If You Are Afraid of Confession...

Be ashamed when you sin, not when you repent.

Saint John Chrysostom

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It is exceedingly common for souls beginning their journeys in the spiritual life to fear the confessional. At the first sign of conversion, when a soul begins to regret its past life and wishes to confess itself, the devil strikes an attack to isolate the soul by introducing thoughts that say there is no hope of repentance. He makes such a soul feel as though it is the greatest of all sinners; that, while others have sinned, they have never sinned to the extent which it has. He tells the soul God's mercy has a limit, and its sins--so dark and ugly--far exceed it.

There is no hope for you. Don't even try! What would be the point? You have sinned all your life and God has never helped you. If He loved you He would not have let you fall, especially so far...It is true that others have sinned, but the priest has never heard anything to likes of what you have done. Do you realize how much he will look down on you? He will not understand you. That is why you are damned, no matter what you do! There is no hope!

Remember, however, that the devil has been a liar from the beginning and no matter how convincing his words may sound, they bear no truth. Let me explain.

For God to come to earth and offer Himself as a sacrifice for sinners means that you have been bought at a great price: the Blood of God, Himself. You have infinite value in His eyes and it is precisely because your soul needed saving that He came. Remember, Pilgrim: a soul without grace can do nothing, so the fact that you have sinned is not surprising. What is surprising, is that you have not fallen farther.

We may wish that we had never stained our baptismal robes and, indeed, what a noble desire. It is a great grace to present such a gift to God at judgement but understand, Pilgrim, that had such souls been raised under different circumstances, they may not have remained pure, either. Just as it remains a possibility that had you been raised in conditions more suitable to growing in holiness, you may not have fallen as you did.

Your past does not prevent you from attaining great purity and holiness. Looking to the saints, who would dare say that Saint John is holier than Saint Mary Magdalene? They were, after all, both at the foot of the Cross. Both chose the possibility of death rather than abandon God. Despite their different journeys, both were filled with an immeasurable love for Jesus.

Saint Augustine, the notorious sinner who would become one of the greatest saints the Church has ever known, tells us that there is no saint without a past and no sinner without a future. He is proof that God will transform a sinner into one of His greatest masterpieces and that, oftentimes, He even seeks them, specifically.

Saint Francis of Assisi is another example. Once a soul blackened by sin, he would later die so gloriously that it is said larks ascended at the time of his death and circled above his cell. While he has been raised to a rare holiness and now looks upon the face of the Almighty in Heaven, it came after an life of great evil during his youth. Yet, rather than dwell on those lost years he would look back and thank God instead. Not because of the sins themselves, for this great saint abhorred sin as all good souls do, but because he saw that it was because of the evil of his former life that ultimately won him the grace of being chosen by God--for God uses the weakest.

You may struggle to believe that God sees you--let alone that He cares so much for you--but it is, in fact, the truth. In the beginning of our spiritual journeys we see spiritual realities with blurred vision bu, overtime, as the soul is purified, it realizes that God always loved it, sinner or saint, and that it was not truth that changed but the soul's ability to see the truth that did. He does love you, Pilgrim.

You will see He always sought you and that He allowed you to fall into your sins so that they would humble you. That, this very humility, this recognization that you can do nothing good without Him, is what has inspired you to now seek Him. You have begun to open your heart and if you have the courage to follow this grace that inspires to go to confession, your soul will be cleansed and on its way to becoming all God envisioned when He first created you. What great things He does with generous souls! What great things He will do with you!

You see, Pilgrim, as horrified as you are of yourself you must understand how God's sees you. While you fixate on one sin, Jesus never looks at that same sin without also seeing all the things that led up to it being committed. He understands how and why you fell, and that those events leading up to your sin were not always in your control. For instance, if you were raised to believe that evil is good and good is evil, who could reasonably expect you to make the best choices in life? You were conditioned for evil, even if it was unintentional. God sees your entire life and all that you can become. He knows the great graces that await if you open yourself to them and this is why He does not abandon you....

Saint Mary Madgalene would flee the world later in life to live in a cave where she could perform great penances, fasting on bread and water. Tradition tells us that, during this time, the angels would descend to greet her seven times a day. She no longer desired anything of the world, only to be with God. Jesus knew this is who she would become one day, but it required her to fall very far in order to prepare a foundation that would, eventually, support a love and gratitude of such magnitude. At her conversion, she realized the unfaithfulness of the world, the lies of the devil, the weakness of the flesh, and nothing would pull her away from He Who Rules All.

Our Lord returned this love and more. He loves all of us beyond comprehension. When Saint Pio of Pietrelcina was given a special grace to experience just a small touch of God's love, the power of it was so intense that the dear Capuchin felt crushed, as though he could die under the weight of it.

It is understandable that our sins torment us after we've seen the truth. We discover evil of sin. But, while the guilt and shame gnaw at us, know that it is important for us to undergo this unpleasantness because these distasteful feelings guard us from repeating those same sins in the future. Confession quiets the anxiety and, only occassionally afterwards, does it sometimes resurface. In those instances, Our Lord is calling you to trust Him and His mercy. But without confession, the anxiety that comes from committing great sins will not rest.

Do you want to live a life in fear, trembling at the idea of death, or do you want to trust in Jesus and see for yourself what He will do with you? You must not be afraid, Pilgrim. You are not the only one who has ever sinned. There was once an anchorite who died at the same moment that Saint Bernard did. He appeared to the Bishop of Langres and revealed that 30,000 other souls had also died at that time, all around the world. Of these, Bernard and the anchorite were the only ones to go directly to Heaven; three were sentenced to Purgatory, and the rest were damned. The Blessed Mother revealed, too, that most souls go to Hell for sins of the flesh.

So, you see how many souls offend God? And the devil would have you think you are alone! You wonder what the priest will think but it is God you should consider instead. Remember that God and the citizens of Heaven, are the only ones who will ever be entirely faithful to you. While the world passes you by, the people within it will often love you one day and hate you the next. They will judge you, misunderstand you--and what they judge to be right one moment will later be deemed reprehensible. They will help you when it suits them, not when it is an inconvenience. And while they excuse themselves, they will never excuse you. Rather, they will feed on your failures, envy your successes, and despise any actions you take to heal your soul. This is not all souls, of course, only those who are children of the world. Who are they but sad souls in need of grace? Do not fear them; pray for them, and concern yourself with God, the angels, and His saints, as Saint Vianney teaches, "for they are your public."

The priest, on the other hand, has committed his life to God, to serve Him and love all those whom God has created. He understands your weakness, as he has frequently heard the weakness of man in confession from souls just like you, who were inspired to make peace with God. It was not easy for them, but they succeeded and you can, too.

A true priest is not one to dwell on what he hears. He prefers to say his prayers or read a book written by a saint and serves in the confessional, not as one who is curious but as one fulfilling a necessary duty of his vocation. While the devil seeks to convince you that you are center stage, that the world is tuned in to your life, the reality is that most people mind very little, including the priest. Beyond confession he does not dwell, but resumes his life just as before. You must not be afraid.

It is an extraordinary grace that has been given to you, to wish to restore this friendship with Jesus--do not waste it. Realize that to be afraid to confess yourself is to be afraid of doing a good deed! Good deeds are done by good men and you can be that! Saint Augustine of Hippo reminds us that "the confession of evil works is the first beginning of good works."

Yes, the shame is a reality, but understand that you cannot go back. Let the past humble you to the extent that it makes you grateful to God for His faithfulness, but do not dwell so long that you fall into despair.

You can be great and undoubtedly you will be, but you must fight the noise of the devil and the world. They seek your destruction at all costs.

If you still struggle to go to confession after all you have read, then think of your death. It will come one day and tomorrow has not been promised to you. Will you care what others think on that day of judgement, if it costs you your eternal salvation? Is the opinion of a weak human, who is but dust, more important than the opinion of God? The one who died for you?

He has given us numerous proofs of His existence. Padre Pio, whom I mentioned earlier, is one from recent times but there are many more. Padre Pio bi-located (that is to say that he was sometimes in two places at once); read hearts; fought the devil (once, he was beaten so badly he was bedridden for days); and, he bore the wounds of Christ, known as the stigmata. For over fifty years, his hands bled constantly, as though they were pierced with nails, just as Jesus' were. A team of doctors attended to him throughout his adult life and none were able to explain the mysterious wounds, for they never showed signs of festering or healing and were even described as emitting a floral scent, like that of roses and violets.

Just before his death, these deep wounds healed, completely. Padre Pio's body now lies incorrupt, meaning it has not decayed but, instead, resembles someone who is merely sleeping. This is another phenomenon scientists cannot explain. He is not an embalmed corpse. No, it is different....His skin remains supple, as one who is still alive.

If you ask the Blessed Mother and Her most chaste spouse, our good friend, Saint Joseph, for the grace to make a good confession, they will assist you. It is their greatest desire and joy to see a soul returned to God. At the first movement of your heart, as it moves you to make this request, they will appear, and they will take your request to Jesus, who will deny nothing they ask of Him. Be sincere when you ask them and help will come.

Do not be afraid of confession or of confessing yourself, Pilgrim. You have one life to live--do not sacrifice it for all the gifts of the world! The world is passing by but your soul is eternal.

Holy Jesus, Sweet Jesus, Loving Jesus....have mercy on us.

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Do not try to please everbody.

Try to please God, the angels, and the saints - they are your public.

Saint Jean-Baptiste-Marie Vianney